Hello March

This is the month. 

This is the month my mother was born… The month my life began… The month I was introduced to tragedy… and now it will be the month that marks the beginning of my forever. 

Life. Death. Brokenness. Sufficiency. Beauty. Pain. Redemption. Celebration. Love.

What an anthem for the mere thirty one days that compose March. 

I knew throwing a wedding into the mix would only add to the existing emotional chaos, but it also does this… It brings redemption. It invites celebration. It radiates love.

That is what I hope this next month and each and every day of significance will exist to do… redeem the past… celebrate the present… love the forever. 

It is a lot to stomach and still so overwhelming… how my heart can ache one day for the loss of my mom, and delight the next in the beauty of the future, but I know that stronger than all of this is the love of Christ… it is bigger, goes deeper, means more. It is the driving force behind everything else. It is redemptive, celebratory, and so, so real. 

So. March. I welcome you, and all of your crazy days. May they restore, renew, refresh, and remind us of the ever so constant and steadfast love of God… that we would strive to love like Him.

happily ever after

I am living in a fairy tale. 

It is what every little girl grows up dreaming about… Being swept off of her feet by the man of her dreams, and getting to live the rest of her life with him. Happily ever after :) Oh, but first comes the wedding.

I am not going to lie, I LOVE planning our wedding. Sure, there have been things that have been hard and decisions I haven’t loved having to make, but for the most part, it has all come together quite effortlessly, and we are loving the process of creating a day that will celebrate our love story and begin this new chapter of our lives. 

But, there is a piece to this fairy tale that isn’t right… one thing that has been a huge factor in making this season a little difficult and more emotional.

I miss my mom.

I miss her more than I thought I would, even given that all of this is taking place during the time of year that is typically the hardest for me. 

it doesn’t make a lot of sense, and there isn’t a lot of reason behind it, i just miss her. It is so very strange walking through something like this… something that she should have a huge part of… without her. it’s like there is a little bit of a whole in my heart that feels more real every day… This is it… I am getting married, and she is really not here to experience it with me. 

I don’t talk about the pain of losing my mom very often, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there… I think about her every day and wish she was still here, wish we were living life together… wish my story was a bit different. 

But then I look around, at the people who are here… the ones I do get the privilege of living life with… and I am reminded of how extremely blessed I am. 

This is my fairy tale.

twenty twelve

It is day 5 of this new year, I still think it has yet to sink in. 

It is funny how overnight, so much changes. All of sudden, everything restarts and can be made new. 

New year. New opportunities. New chances. New hopes. New dreams. New goals. New visions.

In the past, I have been overwhelmingly excited for this restart, heavy in anticipation for all of the new that awaits me. But this year is different, probably because the excitement began two months ago, and has consumed so much of my thoughts and actions that I haven’t been able to focus much on the start of a whole new year and all of its possibilities. 

This is the year I will get married. This is the year my best friend… the love of my life will become my husband… my soulmate. This is the season I have so longed for and desired. I still find myself staring in disbelief at the incredibly beautiful ring on my finger, and wonder what I did to deserve all of the amazing blessings in my midst. 

I think back to this time 4 years ago, when I fled for Australia and a season of living in community, serving the least of these, and letting God forever ruin me from the ordinary. And 3 years ago, when I accepted a full time job in ministry, knowing I wanted to use the gifts and desires the Lord had placed inside of me practically. Then 2 years ago, when I felt God leading me to take risks and get uncomfortable so He could work in my life in new ways. And last year… when I began the year in a new city, with a new boyfriend and new job, trying to adjust to a whole lot of exciting newness and wondering where it all would lead. 

If you would have told me 4 years ago that 2012 would find me here, in the middle of a 4 month engagement to a boy a friend met in a coffee shop that convinced me to move from my hometown after a month of being together, I would have laughed at you and said you must have the story wrong. Never in a million years would I have expected that this would be what God wrote for me, but that’s one of my favorite things about Him… how He always manages to exceed our expectations.

That is what I want for 2012… to enter all of this newness, and to exceed my own expectations for myself… to exceed what I think I am capable of… to, with the help of my Jesus, be able to go above and beyond in each area of my life. 

This year is already full. Of plans, of events, of drama, of tears, of heartache, of dreams, of goals, of busyness, of excitement, and of love, and my prayer is that the fullness of God’s love is able to overtake all of the rest. 

Happy 2012!

one year

Tomorrow is one year.
One year since it all began.
One year since my friend’s husband called me and said he had met the man I was going to marry and I laughed so hard, but knew anything was possible.
One year since I told the Lord that I was going to stop trying to figure it all out and simply follow His calling.
One year since I first heard his name and saw a text messaged photo of him.
One year since everything in my life began to change.

Nostalgia is in the air, and will be for the next few months, as almost every week will have a day that is an anniversary of significance. Sometimes, when I step outside of the state of my life and look at everything that has happened in this last year, It still feels so incredibly surreal. Then I remind myself that it was all orchestrated by the incredible hand of God, and it somehow all makes sense.

I love him… This boy that I first learned about on September 16, 2010. I love him and this relationship that has come out of nowhere and been exactly what I didn’t know my life needed, and I am looking forward to the day that I can look at my friend’s husband and tell him he called it.

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I’ve been feeling a super strong desire to end this season and head into the next… Sort of rushed… Out of excitement and anxiousness and readiness… So much that I find myself sad and discouraged when I discover that others are already where I want to be. It’s silly… I know it is… Cause I know the time is near, and it will be perfect and exactly when and what it needs to be… I know that is what God’s will is, and know His promises are true… But today, I am finding that it is hard to want His timing and not my own. This morning, this verse popped into my head, and spoke new volumes about this place that I am finding myself in, and about better ways I can spend my time and guide my thoughts and quiet my spirit. Thank you Jesus, for holding onto my heart, and for always knowing exactly what I need.

Summer in the city…

Regina Spektor, anyone? Ha. One of very few songs that I can actually say that I hate and it causes me pain to listen to it. Anyways…

This is my first summer living in the city! Kinda :) I am loving Chicagoland in the summer, and we haven’t even done a lot of typical things! But. In the midst of some change and chaos and busyness, this summer really has been wonderful. I am beyond blessed to be living this life in beautiful place alongside some amazing people.

So. In no specific order, these are the things that have made summer so enjoyable. So far :)

-being the maid of honor in two beautiful weddings!

-getting to welcome and love on three sweet new baby girls… Georgia Willow June, Abigail Esther, and June Helen!

-the “L word” and no… Not the tv show.

-seeing so many movies! And forming a little movie going club with some awesome friends.

-Friday Night Lights! I have watched the entire 6 season series… Thank you Netflix and my iPad :) and now I am so sad it is over… Maybe I will watch it again :)

-rediscovering GOOD music that I forgot I loved… Copeland, the format, death cab for cutie, Jimmy eat world, sufjan stevens… This stuff feels like summer to me.

-fun girls nights… Both with old friends and new… They encourage and inspire and bring joy.

-lots of time at home… 10 days of wedding chaos and family bonding, and 6 days of relaxation and down time with my BFFs and lots of kiddos.

-a weekend downtown with some of our best friends… Living the good life and having tons of fun!

-discovering the beauty of gluten free eating and not feeling so sick every day!

-frozen yogurt. And cappanaris. Mmmmm.

-turkey burgers from Hardees! I fell in LOVE while I was at home…. This coming from the girl that hates fast food… And then I discovered there is NO Hardees ANYWHERE near me. Figures.

-the joy of relationships… All different kinds… The ups and the downs… Falling more in love with the sweetest boy every day, finding peace and comfort in the ease and familiarity of old friends, and experiencing the challenges and the excitement of cultivating and growing new friendships.

-floro pink, mint green, any shade of yellow, teal, and coral… LOVE it :)

-going to the lake with my three little girlies.

-pool days with lots of kids and observing both their fear and bravery

-becoming OBSESSED with pinterest! Seriously… If you look for inspiration on the Internet, check out this site! Let me know if you want an invite!

-taking some awesome morning walks and seeing the beauty of the Lord in my little town.

-venti iced coffee with non fat milk and three pumps of sugar free vanilla :)

-randomly getting my nose pierced… Gotta live in the moment!

-knowing there is still so much fun to come!

Here’s what I’m excited for for the rest of summer… A weekend in Canada, cleaning/organizing/redecorating my home, re reading a few favorite books, KP (hopefully), working on my craftiness, getting more tan, talking my boyfriend into redesigning this blog for me ;), and a trip to Disney! Whoo hoo :)

Hope your summer has been amazing…. Full of lots of rest and joy and good people and yummy food :)

d r e a m

Well. Here we are. I haven’t posted in awhile, and I find myself making up a lot of reasons as to why I haven’t… I have nothing new and thrilling to say, no one is really encouraging me to keep it up, I would rather live life then spend time writing about it… All of which are true and valid to some degree… But the real reason hit me last night like a ton of bricks, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I was chatting with a friend, who casually brought up another friend who had been discussing and pursuing her own dream of writing… There… That’s it… That’s what got me… That little five letter word that had completely slipped my mind… d r e a m.

Now, if you know me even a little bit, you know I am all about the pursuit of dreams… Jumping in and going for the deepest desires of your heart with all that you are and all that you have… I’m all about it. Pursuing my dreams led me to five different countries in a year, multiple job opportunities, a slew of relationships, a quick move out of my hometown, and even starting this blog.

I forgot that.

I forgot that these conversations aren’t just about having really good insight or cool things to say. I forgot they aren’t about recording my days and the things I am learning. I forgot that they aren’t just a way for the people I can’t see everyday to still be apart of my life.

I forgot that they are helping me pursue a dream.

For as long as I can remember, all I have wanted to do with my life is be a mom, help people, and write about my life. That is it. Those are the things that fulfill me… Those are what make me feel alive and good and valued and significant. Those are what I know and love and feel completely at peace with. Those are the talents and abilities that I believe with all my heart the Lord has blessed me with.

But. Within any real dream lies fear. Heaps of it. And such is true of this. I’m afraid. Of not being good enough. Of not finding the right words. Of not measuring up to what everyone, or even just anyone, else thinks that I should.

And I also know that fear is a very real emotion… One that I am not going to push aside or let keep me from continuing this conversation and the pursuit of a very real, God-given dream… But one that I am going to use to benefit from… To keep moving forward and trying harder.

The truth is… I’m not sure exactly what this blog is supposed to be… I don’t know what the book looks like either. But I know the best advise I have ever received was to write what you know… And I know that I have experienced real heartache. And I know that I have been rescued. And I know the love of Christ is real and relational and all we need. And I know that happiness is a choice we can make every day. And I know that relationships are both the hardest and the best things we can fill our lives with. And I know I want to show love in any and every way I can. And I know I want to make the most of this life that I get to live.

That is it. That is all I have. But there will be more… There has to be. Cause regardless of all the reasons I can come up with as to why I can’t write, I will fulfill this dream. And these conversations will get me there.

“And then God answered: ‘Write this. Write what you see. Write it out in big block letters so it can be read on the run.’” Habakkuk 2:2, The Message

how to be lost

i remember being 7 years old, and losing my mom. not in a store, or at a park, but really losing her. 

and 18 years later, i still feel lost.

even after the healing of the huge void in my heart, and the rescue of my life by the One who will never leave…

i can still feel lost. 

it isn’t easy… it is hard to go through years and years of feeling lost and… not knowing how to be. 

it’s not like it just goes away. sure, it does change… it feels different… more and less severe… almost every day. but to some degree… the lostness is always there. 

i had to learn how to be lost. 

i had to learn how to understand the emotions that come with never really understanding. i had to learn how to let God fill the huge void in my life in a lot of little ways cause no one thing could suffice. i had to learn how to surrender the desire to want what everyone else had. i had to learn that things may look a little different in my life. i had to learn that my story was important… that it has significance and value. and i had to learn about the rescue.

i had to learn how to be found.

change of seasons

It is dark and rainy outside. I have a headache, runny nose, and watery eyes. I do not love these side effects of spring. But. The grass is green. The air smells fresh. There is growth and beauty and restoration all around.

I have always said that I would to love to raise my children somewhere where they can experience the different seasons like I have. Sure, every season in the midwest has its negatives… Frigid temperatures, lots of snow, allergies, thunderstorms, tornadoes, humidity… But it is within the change that lies the joy… Seeing winter turn to spring, summer to fall… Everything that comes with welcoming a new season and saying farewell to the old… for now… It is good and pleasing and beautiful.

For the last couple of months, life has been pretty chaotic… I feel like it is moving at a crazy intense pace and I am struggling to catch up. Sure, I have a bit of an excuse… I am trying to balance working full time, being involved in youth ministry, adjusting to living in a new place, pursuing and growing a sleu of new relationships as well as maintaining and cultivating old ones, not to mention finding time for myself… To craft, to read, to learn, to sit, to sleep even… It’s a lot, but I have never been a fan of making excuses, so I have tried to not let all of the newness in my life discount for all of the chaos. But, at the end of the day, or even at the beginning as is becoming the norm, I am exhausted. I feel like there is so much more that I need to do or should be doing, but it is enough to just get through the day sometimes. I am overwhelmed, and I hate to admit that.

I find myself wondering if it will ever slow down… If the chaos will ever be managed… And then I realize that it is just this season of life that I am in. It is not forever… It definitely has its pros and cons, as did the previous and will the one to come… But it is the change of one to another that we can look forward to, that transition full of beauty and joy that is new and promising and redemptive… It makes all of the snow and storms and allergies and heat not seem so chaotic.

“There is a time for everything, and everything on earth has its special season.” Ecclesiastes 3:1

23. Redemption

“Redemption comes in strange places, small spaces, calling out the best of who we are… and I want to add to the beauty, to tell a better story… I want to shine with the light that’s burning up inside. This is grace, an invitation to be beautiful…”

I learned a lot about redemption this year… about what it truly means to be redeemed. I love those lyrics up there… they speak so much truth. I can look back on this past year in my life, and see little bits of redemption reveal itself in the strangest and smallest of places…. and they all add up… they all add up to the beauty of this life that I am so blessed to lead. 

this is an exert from an entry i wrote earlier this year…

“we are redeemed. we are saved from so many things that can only do harm. do we understand the weight of that? a lot of times, i know i don’t.  i get going and moving and doing, and i forget about that strong act of love that saved me. eternally. His love redeems. it covers up all of the wrong, wipes the slate clean, and simply saves us. if we let it. we need to let it. let the powerful love of Christ save you. let it redeem the hurt and the pain and the sin and the smut. let it heal.”

the love of Christ has healed my heart and restored my soul and redeemed my life. it has. His love has made me new.